"My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea." Henny Youngman

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." Elayne Boosler

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success." Jim Backus

"My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried." Henny Youngman

"Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives." George Burns

"Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series." Bob Hope

"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day." Mickey Rooney

"In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues." Helen Rowland

"An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't." Sacha Guitry

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk." Rita Rudner

"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house." Jean Kerr

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me." Rodney Dangerfield

For more marriage quotes check out Funny Marriage Quotes | Funny Marriage Jokes from Funny Quotes.

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to." Unknown

"Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way." Unknown

"There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage." James Holt McGavran

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." Unknown

"Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you." Unknown

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open." Groucho Marx

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." Groucho Marx

"I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison

"My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. Unknown

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once. Unknown

For more marriage quotes check out Funny Marriage Quotes | Funny Marriage Jokes from Funny Quotes.

"It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married." Robert Frost

"Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway." Joey Adams

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" Groucho Marx

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." Henny Youngman

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards." Benjamin Franklin

"I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t." Patrick Murray

"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he’s not the man she married?" Barbra Streisand

"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up" Evelyn Hendrickson

"Marriage is an adventure, like going to war." G. K. Chesterton

"In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." Woody Allen

For more marriage quotes check out Funny Marriage Quotes | Funny Marriage Jokes from Funny Quotes.

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." Groucho Marx

"Man's best possession is a sympathetic wife." - Euripides

"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture." Phyllis Diller

"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too." - H.L. Mencken

"What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light." Mark Twain

"I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine -- we were both crazy about girls." Groucho Marx

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"You have no idea of the women I didn't marry." - Artie Shaw

"When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad." - Helen Rowland

"One man's folly is another man's wife. - Helen Rowland