1. A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

2. My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"

3. A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

4. What do you have to do when your mother-in-law taps the window? Turn the furnace a little higher.

5. A man comes home from work and his wife greets him at the door and asks, "Is dinner ready yet?!?" She grabs him and points across the street as a husband comes home and tenderly kisses his wife. She say, "Why can't you do that?" The husband responds, "Well, I haven't met her yet."

John came home from work and found his four children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife, June's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the hall, John found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the rug was piled up against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the worktop, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread out by the back door.

John headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for June. He was worried she might be ill or have had an accident.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way under the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and sink.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found June still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
John looked at June, and asked, 'What happened here today?'

June smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me sarcastically what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was John's startled reply.

June answered, 'Well, today, I didn't do it.'

A man died and went up to heaven. Upon arriving he noticed two signs one said “Men Who Are Bossed By Their Wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.” After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man. After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Bill.

“Hey Bill” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.” “I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and his mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the behavior of a passenger (his mistress), he said he knew from work.

"She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then met with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."