http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry110523-223137
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the bride, enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile and says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The husband rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He says at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry110408-182900
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry110228-013311 When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry110228-012646
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry110228-012103 "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."

Submitted by Greg Hall
California Lawyers]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry110228-005248
Several visits followed when lots of questions were asked and lots of listening carried out. Eventually the counselor felt that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the wife and asking her to stand up, he gave her a big hug.

He turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once every day."

The husband frowned, considered what had been said for a moment, then replied, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

Submitted by Greg Hall
California Lawyers]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry110207-201809
The lady replies "I want to kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position - the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife - and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says... "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

Submitted by Greg Hall
Find California Lawyers at the National Lawyers Directory.]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry110207-193244
"Let's have a party, William," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

"Gee, Betty," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Submitted by Greg Hall
Find California Lawyers at the National Lawyers Directory]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry110207-192813
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Submitted by Greg Hall
Find California Lawyers at the National Lawyers Directory]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080625-141141
A bit further down the path, the wife's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the wife's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the wife's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his jacket, and shoots the horse dead.

The wife, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080529-234420
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.]]> http://marriagejokes.thejokeindex.com/index.php?entry=entry080521-201511 LUST - - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE - - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - - when you argue over money.

LOVE - - when you share everything you own.
LUST - - when you think twice about giving your partner half of your sandwich.
MARRIAGE - - when the bank owns everything.

LOVE - - when you phone each other just to say "Hello".
LUST - - when you phone each other just to arrange sex.
MARRIAGE - - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE - - when you write poems about the one you love.
LUST - - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - - when all you write are checks.

LOVE - - when you show concern for your true love's feelings.
LUST - - when you don't give a darn.
MARRIAGE - - when your only concern is what's next on TV.

LOVE - - when your farewell is "I love you darling ..."
LUST - - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE - - when your farewell is silent.

LOVE - - when you are proud to be seen in public with your true love.
LUST - - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - - when you never see each other awake.

LOVE - - when your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST - - when your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE - - when your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - - when nobody else matters.
LUST - - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - - when it's just the same mushy old junk.
MARRIAGE - - when you never listen to music.

LOVE - - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - - when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - - when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.]]>